A Face Made for Radio

elfezThe guys at the North Pole radio news department are really hard at work already.

Their big show – the one you hear on Kringle Radio from December 23rd through the 25th tracking Santa round the world – will evidently feature some new voices this year.

Yup, they are hiring some new folks and the process is grueling.

I was on the radio a few Christmases back. It actually isn’t an easy assignment. I will never do it again.

You see, Mrs. Claus listens to the radio intently whenever Santa flies.

Mrs. Claus is a worrier.

In fact, she’s the reason Santa set up the web cam on the sleigh. She can see Santa his entire flight thanks to really fast Internet technology that beams a signal from the sleigh straight to her TV at the Claus residence on Christmas Eve.

But even though she can see Santa she still listens to the radio.

And if one of those guys on the radio says something even slightly nerve wracking Mrs. Claus just about comes unglued.

I should know.

I was a flight analyst on the show a couple of years ago and Elf Rusty Belz asked me if I thought Santa was on time while he was flying through Africa. I answered honestly.

I said it appeared Santa was going really fast but that I felt he could be slowed down if he ran into trouble when he had to fly into Iran.

The next thing I know a phone in front of me is ringing and it’s Mrs. Claus. “What did you mean by that? What do you know about Iran? Is my husband going to get shot at again?”

The truth was I didn’t know anything.

I was just making conversation because…well, that’s what you do on the radio.

I had to call Rusty and beg him to put me back on the air so that I could unsay the things I said that caused Mrs. Claus to become unhinged. I vowed I would never go back. I just can’t handle the pressure.

So over in the radio department they have for weeks been auditioning new talent.

There are lots of elves who want to give it a try and I’m told the place has been pretty busy with interviews going on.

But I have a suggestion for any elf who wants to be a North Pole radio reporter: phone it in.

That’s right — don’t let them put you on a television.

North Pole radio news is on the radio but for some reason they are putting these job applicants on a television set and making them read the news like they are on TV.

You should see some of those poor clowns.

They look like nervous nellies up there, constantly licking their lips and frequently touching their hair.

If you close your eyes and just listen to them you can actually imagine them on the radio on Christmas Eve just fine.

But in looking at them you just fear their heads are going to explode.

I actually heard Elf Red Stocking – who is on the hiring committee for new voices – tell an applicant, “Man, you’ve got a face made for radio!”

What kind of thing is that to say to an elf trying to land a new job?

I won’t do the radio thing ever again unless it is an emergency and nobody else can do it. I just can’t handle the pressure and I’m not afraid to admit it.